Again this is a 2 part entry simply cuz it’s just too long to hold as one post. Besides this is a very personal and intimate topic and I really have a lot to share.
The “lonesomeness” bug has hit me. And it has hit me bad. But seriously what can you do when you meet up with your ex-girlfriend after nearly 2 years? No I didn’t have any ill-feelings toward her, in fact more than anything else, I missed her dearly. It ended very abruptly and it wasn’t good at all. But I was very much naïve at that time, and I didn’t think so much of it then…not until I grew up and started realizing more about what love is all about.
Seeing her again really brought back memories, good memories, memories that I would often think and recollect back during some nights. But in all of this, I began to feel that something is missing. I feel hollow inside, sometimes. I look around and when I see 2 people of the opposite sex holding hands and walking together, I realize THAT is what I am missing out. I’m missing out on romance and intimacy. I’m missing out the thrill and excitement of going out on a date.
And I guess that’s why I’m feeling alone. It’s bad enough that over the last couple of days, I have been sort of “keeping my distance” from him, and to top it of, feeling lonely makes it even worse and painful.
I was really in a messed up shape over the weekend. Though on the outside, everything seemed fine, I knew deep down I was in a middle of a storm. My heart was just sinking. Discouraged, disappointed, and depressed would have easily been the theme for the weekend.
I guess I was depressed and sad because meeting up with my ex really in a way showed me how much of a fool I had been. I was sad that I had lost her and I could only now be a friend to her. I was upset because I felt alone. Even though I had friends from work, I still felt alone. I could never open up my deepest feelings or secrets with anyone from work for personal and professional reasons. And when it comes to these kind of issues, I don’t feel comfortable opening up to my parents either. It’s not that I don’t trust them or anything, but I feel what I could really use now is a good close friend of my age who understands me and is able to “lift me up”.
But I didn’t have anyone. And for 2-3 days I felt really miserable. And yet no one knew it.
But God knew how much I was hurting inside. He knew how “weak” I had gotten. He knew that I needed His affection. And He waited, while I continued seeking worldly solutions, never mind if they were temporary. But honestly, I never found anything. In fact, I became even sad and discouraged.
And finally, last night, I came before the Lord. And I poured out everything to Him. Through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I finally knew the root cause of my problem. You see when it comes to other areas in my life, such as studies, work, family, I know exactly who to turn with much faith and trust. BUT not with relationships. Oh nono, I am very selfish when it comes to relationships. I forget Him, not entirely, but He is definitely not on my mind anymore. He is replaced by the twinkling eye or the unforgettable smile of the one I’m madly thinking about. Somehow He takes a backseat. I don’t know why I do this, but last night I realized, that throughout all my years growing up from a teenager with early crushes to my young adulthood life, whenever it came to relationships, I would not involve God at all. It’s not that I didn’t want His blessings or anything, but rather I wanted to enjoy the thrills of romance without His “supervision”. (I hope this somewhat makes sense to you!).
I’ll involve God when I’m ready
That was my attitude. How foolish I am to think this way! But yet you know, when they say “LOVE IS BLIND”, it really blinds you from everything, including God. I guess we can’t call that LOVE in the first place can we? Cuz God IS LOVE!
And so last night, I slowly began to realize that the reason why I always get depressed, and discouraged whenever it came to relationships, (This is not the first time I have felt this sort of discouragement and loneliness). God was not in it. And I didn’t want God to be in it for fear that He will just yank of my hopes of finding romance. But in the process, I became more skeptical in trusting God in this area. I could talk to God about my hopes and dreams, but yet not about the girl I hoped, simply because I didn’t believe that He will just show me someone. Stupid I know, but that’s how flawed some human hearts are.
But He understood all this. I could just imagine He just being up there shaking his head thinking “My child, when will you learn to trust me with EVERY area of your life?”
And that was the apex of last night’s “conversation” with Him. For the first time, I poured out my heart with regards to this issue, I asked Him how come I could come to Him for everything and yet I couldn’t come to Him when it came to relationships and dating? And right there, He answered
“My child, have I not answered the things that you have requested for in the past?”
I thought for a while. I thought of the times when I asked him and marveled at how He responded to my requests. Not only did he just answer my prayer, He gave me the very best. Yes, I don’t know how God works in your life, but for me, He gives me the best, He goes beyond my expectations and He just makes me realize and reminds me that nothing is impossible for Him.
And I realized, that all this while, with regards to all my other areas in life, He has always given me the best. All areas, except relationships, why? Because I was a fool to not ask Him. I chose not to trust Him with finding me a suitable girl because I wanted to find my own and I didn’t want to wait for the next 5 – 10 years just to feel the excitement of romance.
How foolish I was to think that God wouldn’t understand what it feels like to “be in love”.
More in Part 2 😀